Probably rude Sex advice to a young bride-to-be

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It has been a while since I did a “sex post”.  But it is needed because I need to talk to someone who will probably never see this post.  WARNING!  You probably shouldn’t read this if you are easily offended.

Someone I know- a young woman- is engaged and will soon be married.  She needs to know some things before she messes up.

Some of these suggestions might not seem very “nice”, but nice guys (including your soon-to-be hubby) won’t tell you this stuff.  They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear, even though if you believe what they say it will destroy your relationship eventually.  I don’t have that problem since you and I aren’t going to have sex (dang it!).  I can afford to be honest and lay it out in the open- like it or not.

1- Sex matters.  Not just quality, but quantity.  Lovemaking and dirty fucking and quickies and everything in between.  And “new” stuff.  Don’t let him get bored, and don’t put up with being bored yourself.  Come up with fantasies to act out.  And don’t hold anything back.  If you don’t believe me, then delay the wedding until you do.

2- Leave all the worry about being thought of as a slut far behind.  What other people think doesn’t matter, and you’d better hope your new husband finds you slutty.  With him.  Or you’ll drive him to find someone else for some fun, eventually.  If you are more worried about what other people will think than you are about making your marriage work, then call off the wedding before you make a huge mistake- because it means you aren’t ready.

3- Never use sex as a weapon, or deprive him as a way to manipulate him into doing what you want.  This will only drive a wedge between the two of you that will never fully heal.  It will also make him receptive to someone who is willing to offer to get him through the drought.  Sure, she may be ugly, dumb, fat, a slut, a liar, or whatever, but none of that will matter if you deprive him long enough.  He also can’t care about the consequences of being caught if the drought goes on long enough.  Not even if you remind him daily, and threaten him and tell him how you will destroy him.  A man with his head in a plastic bag doesn’t care if the air outside the bag stinks or is toxic; all he will think about is getting that breath.  And if you think “Yeah, but it’s only sex, not oxygen“, then you are in for a huge surprise.

4- Embarrassment has no place in the sex life of a couple.  Neither does shame.  There is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.  Do it all and have fun.  If your religious upbringing has loaded you down with sexual hangups, you need to get rid of them before you consider marriage.

5- “Hand jobs” are not a subsitute for blowjobs.  Sorry.  And if you don’t follow through until after the guy is finished, it isn’t a blowjob, it was just “sucking”.  Maybe this doesn’t matter to him, but you need to make it clear what you are, and are not, willing to do from now on.  Don’t lead him on and expect him to be happy with whatever he gets.

6- No, “it’s not all about sex“, but if you don’t pay scrupulous attention to the sex, the rest will fall apart.  I promise you that.  Unless you are willing to have an open marriage and reject jealousy completely.  But that won’t work for most people.  Unfortunately.

So there ya go.  It’s not nice, it’s not pretty, and you probably didn’t want to hear it.  But you need to.  And if you reject my advice, remember this post when your marriage falls apart.  I won’t say “I told you so”.

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